Conrad Athens The Ilisian gets ready to open, but should you really get all excited?
American commercial imperialism-lite rears its overly branded head again
Takeaways:
A big new hotel is set open this week in Athens and though we wouldn’t stay there ourselves, maybe you might.
It is our policy to support independent hotel properties worldwide. Luxury chain hotels are low key still chain hotels, at higher prices.
This whole thing sends the snark-o-meter into meltdown mode — and just wait til you hear how much Hilton’s head honcho makes (hint: lots more than you!)
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Why oh why is this such a boring town? Probably because it was created not out necessity but because dammit, we had to stick a capital somewhere, Boston was too cold, and New York does money, not government. Hmm..maybe an Arc de Trump wouldn’t actually be so bad, at least garish is different for this tragic swamp where the men sport haircuts that look like they were pinched from a 1978 time warp and the women are, well let’s just say they’re not Parisian.
The DC metro area is home also to not only a lovely array of ruthless/useless defense contractor firms but also the headquarters of two of the biggest hotel brands in the universe, Marriott (Bethesda, MD) and Hilton (McLean, VA). Ick! Because they are, in their corporate sharky way, just as ruthless.
Hilton doesn’t actually own most of its hotels anymore; they just manage them and collect fees. Probably a lot of fees. This makes them incredibly profitable with very little overhead.
Meanwhile, its lilywhite CEO Christopher Nassetta raked in more than $36 million last year. For doing what, exactly, is not immediately clear.
And you thought those mile-high room rates — $650 and up for a room for one night at a place like the grammatically challenged “Conrad Athens The Ilisian” came out of nowhere, huh? Ha.
So, this from the Hilton website:
“Anticipated Opening Date: Early 2026
The Ilisian, opening in early 2026, will be home to Conrad Athens, Waldorf Astoria Residences, Conrad Residences, House of NYNN member’s club and nine bars and restaurants. The hotel has 307 rooms, suites and residences, including a signature penthouse with a private pool. The iconic Galaxy Bar returns as The Galaxy Dispensary, a vibrant gastro bar beside the upscale Galaxy Supper Club, while Byzantino transforms into an all-day brasserie, offering delicious Greek and French cuisine.
Promising endless entertainment no matter your age, guests can indulge in retail therapy on site, or sporty types can enjoy the largest outdoor pool in the city center, the outdoor private running track or a game of pickleball. Children will be kept amused by a 60’s themed kids club. Based on a traditional hotel experience, children can board the bellhop trolley, unpack suitcases filled with retro games, or unwind in the role-play spa.”
So, a role-play spa for the tykes eh? Neat (not). We low-key hope all that was some kind of misprint, because some of it sounds frankly atrocious, but it’s Hilton’s PR peeps who said it, and who didn’t bother to update it.
We can report though, based on multiple press reports, that the opening is set for April 23. We reached out to the relevant PR reps and marketing types but no one bothered to get back to us as of this filing.
Presumably our illustrious ambassador Kimberly Guilfoyle will be in attendance for the opening shabang, if she can pry herself away from the basketball court, that is.
Ms. Guilfoyle was previously married to Democratic California Governor Gavin Newsom (who like most American pols is also coiffure-challenged).
We noticed that some commenters on social media have already dissed the House of NYNN’s decor as being an anodyne mashup of airport lounge chic and office furniture aloof. Wrote one of them, “I don’t like the decoration because it’s colorful and without style. Office furniture mixed with irrelevant armchairs, I don’t know what I see.”
Our visit to NYNN left us unimpressed.
The whole property seems to us to be rather, if not really austere, then certainly soulless. Not particularly welcoming. Not especially Athenian.
Sure, there are so-called swanky bits of Athens, whole swaths of somewhat manufactured posh-osity like Kolonaki (which basically starts across from the hotel) that are of approximately zero interest to the average tourist.
We expect that the tone-deaf travel media will come out gushing for the Conrad Athens The Ilisian because it’s new and that’s what they do.
While we wish it every success, we also withhold our applause for now.
It’s not just that we’re frankly sick and so, so tired of seeing Marriott and Hyatt and Hilton stamp their bland brand names on hotels around the world — it’s a sort of corporate communism and it needs to stop, in places like Bethesda and McLean where these plots to dominate the world are hatched.
Well it’s mainly that.
But also, when a tragic hotel like Aman lays its footprint down in New York City — Aman being the kind of stupidly overpriced hotel where a bent schmo like ex-NYC mayor and current Albanian citizen Eric Adams liked to party — the city can take it on the chin. The utter ridiculousness of a property that only oligarchs and dictators can afford is diluted by the presence of many other and more storied luxury properties in the city. Ditto in Paris, London.
In Athens, it’s a different dynamic. We know plenty of hardworking Greeks who pay less in rent per month than it would cost for one night at this newish bolthole.
Is that legal? Yes.
Is it right? Well…
Can you find more original and authentic lodgings in Athens than this overhyped anti-hideaway? You’re all grown up now. Of course you can.
Just don’t ask the British. And don’t use Booking.com, either: that’s another example of America at its crass, bullying worst.
As for where you ought to stay in the Greek capital? That’s another story.
so where do you think we should stay rather than these overpriced bland hotels?